Aries (March 21 - April 9)

Hello Aries, you manipulative, arrogant piece of shit. Do you ever think about others? In fact, do you ever think about the next thing that comes out of your mouth? You might want to try it sometime. You could actually be a cool person if you weren't busy playing puppet-master with human beings. Dick.

The Good

You’re smart, articulate well, excellent planner and executer. If I needed to choose someone to run my company, it would be you, pompous Aries. Every company needs a chief asshole in charge, and you will fit the bill quite nicely. I also know you will not sympathize with any of the employees when you have to fire them, because the ice running through your veins will not allow it. You live for telling people bad news.

You are always ready for battle, paranoid schizophrenic Aries. Whenever I need tips on how to screw someone over effortlessly, I ask an Aries woman, because the only thing scarier than an Aries Man, is an Aries Woman.

When you’re not talking about religious conspiracies or bitching about work, you can be somewhat exciting. You are the King and Queens of the ultimate adventure. If there is a high risk of dying, you better believe an Aries planned that trip.

The Bad

You treat people like shit, and really suck in relationships. You will probably develop an aneurysm if you cannot control people.
The Rams are constantly bitching and complaining, especially the females. You would probably rather die than to hear more of their bitching. They also seem to have an eternal stick up their ass. Seeing an Aries laugh happens as often as the second coming of Christ.

Relationships

Aries Man: You tend to go for the meek and naive. For a self-proclaimed God that you think you are, one would think you would want a woman with equal intelligence. You like to control people, and this is not different in the women you date. They still need to have half a brain, because you cannot stand idiots.

The Aries Man cannot stand whores. They like to do the chasing, they like to pay for dates, they like to be the Man. If you are a feminist, or an independent woman, than you picked the wrong guy. If you are a damsel in distress, than Aries will be more than happy to climb up the tower and rescue you. Just don’t get a full-time job and have your own money, because it makes him feel inadequate. Most stay-at-home moms are married to an Aries.

Loyalty is an unknown realm to Aries. I have never known an Aries man that was faithful to their girlfriends. You’re all cheating bastards.

Aries Woman: Men are attracted to you because you’re fiery and interesting to talk to. You have to be, because once they are under your spell, you can go back to the nagging and domineering bitch you were meant to be. You’re bold and abrasive, but in the end a self-righteous pain in the ass. This can be corrected by simple calling her out on it. Never let an Aries Woman push you around. Their bark is always bigger than their bite. Do us all a favor and tell that bitch to shut the fuck up.

Aries and Sex

Aries Man: In the sex department, the Aries man will never disappoint. What they lack in tenderness, they make up for in brute passion and drive to pound you so that no other man could possibly ever pound you that good again.

Aries Woman: If you are a man dating an Aries woman, prepare for a marathon. Aries woman will not stop having sex till they are satisfied.

If you’re an amateur in the bedroom acrobatics, than an Aries Woman is not for you. Although they like to orchestrate the sex act, they also like a man who knows what they’re doing.

How To Get Rid Of An Aries

Put them back where you found them. Don’t get jealous anymore when they flirt with others. Actually, you should encourage it. Read a book when they are in the mood for sex. Crack jokes that only a juvenile can appreciate. Be demanding as possible, and make sure disagree with them on everything. Ask for commitment.

Advice For Aries

Stop taking everything so seriously, and stop treating people like they’re only purpose is to serve you and your massive ego.