Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Scorpio, the King of all Kings. Scorpios are the only humans that are allowed in Mordor. They are the most unforgiving human beings on earth. It is very hard to say anything bad about a Scorpio, because they will find out and have you murdered.

The Good

Scorpios are clever mother fuckers. Their quick wit is like the tenth wonder of the world. You cannot believe the shit they come up with. Every smart ass you’ve ever known is a Scorpio. They are efficient in almost every task they are given. Their intensity is so great that mere humans should spontaneously combust the second they enter a room.

The Bad

Most, if not all Scorpios are opinionated. No matter what you say, you are wrong. End of discussion. With the exception to the bedroom, they are not the most open minded people. Next to Aries, they have the worst tempers. Pointless to argue with, as they will simply walk away from a discussion they deem pointless. Scorpios hate losing. They will sell their first born if it means victory.

They say it’s better to be on the right side of the devil, than on its path. This is very true when dealing with a Scorpio. The Scorpions make the greatest of friends, but the worst of enemies. You really are an unforgiving bastard, Scorpio.

Relationships

Scorpio Men: Excitement ensues. Scorpio Men are like sharks: Once they bite onto something, they do not easily let go. They will almost never take no for an answer. He exudes sexuality and it can explode at any given second. If your husband likes to jump you in the kitchen in front of the kids, chances are you are married to a Scorpio Man.

One thing to remember, is that Scorpio Men are dangerously jealous and possessive. If you make this mistake of stirring up this emotion in him, you will regret it. The Male Scorpion will forgive, but never forget. He will most likely get his vengeance on you, and hurt you ten times more than you hurt him. Scorpio Men are absolutely insane.

Scorpio Woman:You better have more than half a brain and looks that could kill when dating a Scorpio woman. They want their lovers to be good looking AND intelligent. Scorpio Women know how to get what they want, because they are evil and manipulative. Oh shit, they heard that. I take it back! What I meant to say is, once they have their eyes on the prize, they will always get it, period. They are very skilled in the mating dance.

Do not attempt to date a Scorpio Woman unless you are serious about love. The Female Scorpion is very hard to court, so when you have their attention it is best not to waste their time. Scorpio Women are known to kill men in their sleep.

Like their male counterparts, the Female Scorpion are very jealous creatures. You know that saying, “Look, but don’t touch?” Well, with a Scorpio Woman, you cannot look nor touch, or you will be killed.

Scorpios and Sex

Scorpio Men: Scorpio men are known to fuck their women to a coma. Most men in romance novels are Scorpios.

Don't bother being a cocktease, because the Scorpio man will get what he wants anyway and with little effort. Scorpio men can turn any good woman into a whore.

Scorpio Women: Make sure you drink a case of Red Bull before you have sex with your Scorpio Woman. She is the queen of marathon sex.

The Female Scorpion operates mainly on instinct, so each encounter will be different. There is nothing too kinky or too outrageous for your Scorpio Woman. Once she’s turned on, there is no way out. You’re getting fucked tonight, and she will not take no for an answer.

How to get rid of a Scorpio

This can be dangerous. However, if done correctly, you may live to tell about it. Stop cleaning the house. Be a complete slob. Become needy. Never pay attention to them. Cut off the affection, in small doses. It’s best to make them think the break-up was their idea. If you’re seriously looking for trouble, make them jealous. Just not to the point where they will have you murdered. You don’t want to be killed by a Scorpio, trust. They will follow you to hell and torture you for eternity.

Advice for Scorpio

Stop being so pig headed. You are not always right. Be open to other people’s ideas and opinions. You don’t always have to be a castrating asshole.